I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
