I think I am morally bankrupt
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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