We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
