four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
