wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
