I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
