her vagina looked like bernie madoff
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
