Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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