I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
