Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize