Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have fence marks all over my body
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
