just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
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Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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