Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
