Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
