she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
