So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
