i just google imaged poop.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
