I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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