there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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