I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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