i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
