Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
