Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
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He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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