4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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