just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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