I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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