I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
