So drunk its hurt
if i can run in heels then i can drive
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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