Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
