I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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