yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We had sex on a dog bed..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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