Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Say something about gay babies.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
