What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
