Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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