Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
