you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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