so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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