i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
