I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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