There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
