I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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