video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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