my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
