No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
