i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
