Her vagina should come with caution tape.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who died my cat blue again?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
