If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
