Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
