Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
