i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
