are you still at the devil's house?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
