I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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