Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
